blanket of depression

blue workout RBX pants
Isn't this blanket luscious? You can literally see the plush fur in the photos. The warmth it brings is unlike any other blanket either! Saranoni really has the blanket science down. They are truly snuggly-worthy.
Not to be a copy-cat... but I have seen some of my favorite bloggers (Meagan from Hearts of Gold and Lauren from Love, Lo) speaking about their experience with depression. I felt that it was a wonderful thing that such strong women that I interact with were able to come out and talk about such a hardship. I decided I wanted to be brave like them.

Depression is an interesting illness. It is not something you can see. It is definitely not something you can put your finger on. If you try and explain it to someone who has never suffered from depression, it is impossible to explain. 
The best way I have ever been able to describe my feeling of sorrow when going through a bout of depression is a feeling of blandness. It is as if your life is being seen through a blue filter, nothing stands out, nothing sounds fun. Your sadness is just unexplainable, and incurable for those hours or days or months.
I also have anxiety. Not just normal anxiety, but the type that gives me panic attacks causing me to faint, extreme worry for the future, and even paranoia. Sometimes the mixture of anxiety and depression can make me feel like I am drowning. Imagine you are in a pit of sand, and each time you reach up to get out, more sand falls in. That is the exact feeling. I know, I sound crazy. That is why it is so hard for people with mental illness to open up about their health issues, because-- at least for me-- it makes me feel insane.
This all started (or really became bad) in 5th grade when I started coming home often because of a stomachache. I could wake up in the morning, leave for school, and sometimes be in the office by lunch. After this happening a little too much for comfort, my mom took me into the doctor. It turns out I had given myself ulcers. You see, I was, and still am, a bit of a perfectionist. My worrying had actually been detrimental to my health.
Later that same year, I found my poor 10-year-old self in tears. Now, I have never wanted to commit suicide. Let me be clear on that. However, I don't put fault on those who do. I'll get more into that later. Sometimes though, while I was in my room in an uncontrollable panic or hysteria, I would admit that I didn't want to live any longer. 
Depression does run in my family. Maybe on both sides. This behavior, was not learned though. I was not just being a drama-queen. Although some may say I am too sensitive, I might even beg to differ. I never cry unless extremely touched or hurt. So, for a ten-year-old to be having these feelings was genuine, authentic, and extremely horrible.
Depression and anxiety is not something that can be mentally controlled. Perhaps this is something that bothers me the most with the sigma against the illness. Mental illness can stem from psychological disorders, but many times it is a chemical misfire in the brain. Our genes are the writing for how our brain makes and delivers chemicals to our sensory system. Everyone runs differently. Those with depression just don't create or interpret those chemicals for happiness the same. 
There is a way to keep depression at bay. Notice I say AT BAY. I have learned this lesson the hard way far too many times in my life. You see, a problem with many people who take medication is denial. Medication is prescribed and taken as directed for a while. The patient starts to feel normal. This feeling of normalcy is the villain. When some people, like me, begin to feel this way, we think we can handle ourselves. Thus, the medication stop being taken as prescribed. The cycle begins again as soon as the medicine is completely out of the system.
Luckily, I have figured out how to control my illness. I take my medication everyday without a thought of dependency. Sure, I realize I am dependent on it, but I don't feel like less of a person because of it. The medicine is needed for my brain to work correctly, just like water is needed for my body to work correctly. Denying my body something so essential is cruel. 

After reading this, I want to mention four things:
If you don't struggle with depression, try to understand. Sometimes comforting that person in need can help them. Sometimes privacy may help them more. The best thing you can do for a person that has depression, anxiety, or any mental illness is to treat them like they are normal. It may be hard to understand, but it is certainly not wrong.

If you do struggle with depression (and I don't just mean my boyfriend broke up with me and now I am sad), please see your doctor. PLEASE get help. Medicine is one of the many modern miracles and to say no to such a brilliant science that can help you keep your life on track is insane. Don't make the same mistake I did (several times) of going off your medication. Trust me... I have been on mine fore 3 straight years now and have felt depressed maybe 3 times for about a day. I promise it is worth it.

If you are struggling with suicide. GET HELP. Know that people love you. Know that you will be missed more than you can comprehend. Know that your existence is pivotal in peoples' lives.

And, if you are a friend or family member of someone who has committed suicide because of anxiety or depression, know that it wasn't a selfish choice. Sometimes when people feel depressed, they are not in the right state of mind. I feel that they cannot be held accountable for this.
I also feel that Heavenly Father does not hold people accountable for this, because He understands our hurt. Christ has felt every sorrow we have ever had. Sometimes it is inconceivable, but for people who deal with hurt everyday, I think He is also more understanding than we may think.

plaid shirt
braided hair
saranoni fuzzy blanket
BLANKET: care of Saranoni | SHIRT: Old Navy (old, similar)| WORKOUT PANTS: RBX (similar) | SOCKS: Lemon





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23 comments:

  1. Very well written Lauryn!! Love you girl! :)

    XO
    www.confidenceissilent.com

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  2. i really liked this, lauryn. thanks for sharing a piece of your heart. xo

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  3. Thank you for sharing honey, not an easy thing to do at all, very very scary! I'm so proud of you!!! <3 <3

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  4. I found myself agreeing with everything you said! As someone who also suffers from depression and anxiety (a big FU to those guys) I find sharing how I am feeling with friends and family help to ease the pain. They are such taboo subjects to talk about, so THANK YOU! So glad you are doing better now xo

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    1. Thanks for reading, Tori! I find it helpful when I hear others that I look up to (like you) have it as well!

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  5. I love you for opening up about something so personal. You're amazing!!! I get mental illness (depression in the family and eating disorder myself) and those types of challenges are some of the hardest demons to conquer. Sending lots of love your way!

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    1. Thank you for the encouragement and for reading! We can do this together!

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  6. Beautifully written, Lauren. Thank you for opening up and sharing such a personal story! Hugs.

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  7. Thank you for sharing, I personally struggle with this too. I have my whole life, it is one of those things that I will always have to battle. But like you said there are great medical help out there to take advantage of. I love that blanket too, looks super soft.

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  8. I think more people experience thoughts of suicide than we realize. Knowing that others are in pain can help us to know we are not alone. Sometimes that can be comforting.

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  9. A powerful post and perspective. I hope you always feel comforted when you are not feeling like your best self. Thank you for sharing your story and encouragement.

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    1. I certainly do! Thank YOU for YOUR encouragement!

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  10. Thank you for sharing your experience. The more people who speak out, the less of a stigma there will be. And I totally want that blanket.

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    1. I agree! We all need to stick up for our flaws! & the blanket is the softest one I own!

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I love reading your comments, and I always try to respond to every single one! Thank you for stopping by! xoxo